My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
