'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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