She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
