Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
