At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
