i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
