We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
