I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize