I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
