I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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