Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize