im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
