everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
