what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
