I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
