pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
