I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Randomize
