theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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