Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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