I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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