To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
