I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
