maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
