Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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