you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dear god my vagina.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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