I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
