I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
