I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
