just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
