So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
