just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
pray to the hookup gods
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
