I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
