If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
