I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
