Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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