I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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