my vag is so smooth its legendary
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
soo... how was my night?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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