i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
