Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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