Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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