I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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