the condom got lost in my hair
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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