Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
