you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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