I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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