hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
