I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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