hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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