Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
