Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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