Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
