i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
