Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
