sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize