I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
