I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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