i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I smell stomach acid.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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